Surviving What Ifs

“What if I have to move back home, what if I grow old alone?
What if this star I’m chasing now burns out and hits the ground? 
So what if it does? I gave my all.  
And I’ll never say I didn’t try, I may not reach every peak I climb. 
I’ve already won though all my dreams may not come true, but what if they do?”
 ~©Stephanie Layne/What If I Do~ 

     I don’t know about everyone else, but it seems that my greatest epiphanies come to me when I am working out.  I’ve been trying to write a new blog post for several months now, but I haven’t been in a good space.  I wasn’t connecting and the words weren't flowing. I was trying too hard and then thinking to myself: What if it’s stupid, what if it’s too preachy, too personal, too political? My former husband always said my best writing was when I just wrote from a stream of consciousness, but my mind has not been flowing as freely as it used to.  So, to get out of this rut, I went back through some stories I’d started writing, and in doing so came across something that happened awhile back in yoga class. My instructor read a quote that I’ve probably heard a hundred times or more, but for whatever reason this particular day it finally sunk in. “Everything we worry about, every fear and anxiety that keeps us wide awake at night, 99% of the time will NOT manifest.” I think I finally  heard these words because I was in a mindful place, and I realized that not only were her words so true, but also, how powerful my yoga practice has become.  The space I was in allowed me to hear and feel her words unlike I’ve ever heard them before.  How many times has someone said, “Just breathe, it will be ok", but in your mind you are falling into a black hole where nothing will ever be ok again.  How many times have you tossed and turned in the middle of the night worrying about your life only to get up in the morning and realize those middle of the night fears seem so trivial? How many of you have such bad anxiety that it can literally paralyze you? I’ve lived most of my life with anxiety and it can feel like absolute hell. I have a bulletin board plastered with self help quotes that I read out loud every morning, but I still find myself crippled with worry practically 24/7.  The only times I really let go are when I’m singing or writing, hiking or walking, or practicing yoga.  Those seem to be the places where most of my blog writing starts, and where I am able to get out of my head and experience the moment.  With yoga it’s taken some time.  I’ve been practicing for about 5 or 6 years, and I come home after every class thinking, hmm, I still don’t get the whole Zen, Om, Namaste thing.  I love the physicality of it, how challenging it can be and how strong my body feels after class, but my mind is still all over the place (most of the time wondering if I’m ever going to get the poses right and what do I need to pick up at the grocery store afterwards).  This particular day something shifted in me; I listened to what my instructor said and I thought, wow, this is what years of therapy should have taught me.  99% of the time our fears will not manifest themselves. And guess what? The 1% of the time that they do, things work out anyways. Maybe not exactly the way we hoped they would, but they do work out. 

     Take my story, for example. The last few years of my life in California, after going through divorce and a midlife crisis (those are real by the way),  I’d taken to downing a few sleeping pills in the middle of an anxiety attack so I could sleep the fear away.  All that did was dig me into an even deeper hole. I wasn’t being productive at all and that made me feel even worse, not to mention I couldn’t hold a job or commit to my creative endeavors.  When I finally faced my demons, which to me meant letting myself fall, and fall hard I did, it wasn’t as bad as I'd feared.  The worst part was over, because the worst part was the worrying.  What if I run out of money, what if I bury myself in debt, what if my headaches never go away and I’m not able to work and I’ll never be able to support myself and what if people are ashamed of me and this horrible place I’m in?  Well, I did run out of money and I did bury myself in debt and I still have headaches and I can’t work full time and I’m sure it’s not the life for me that my parents dreamed of, but here I am alive and well, writing this blog. When I finally cried out for help, the support I got from my boyfriend and my family and my friends was unbelievable.   People rallied around me and picked up the pieces and helped me through that dark phase of my life and here I am to tell the story, and tell it I will, over and over again, because I have survived all the “What Ifs”.

     "What if?" seems to be the eternal question we all ask ourselves.  My dear friend and fellow singer/songwriter, Stephanie Layne, asks even better questions in one of my favorite songs of her's: “What if I Do?” (please give it a listen on youtube) It’s a fantastic song where she asks questions like, “What if I fail, what if I lose, what if I fall” and my personal favorite, “What if I have to move back home?”  Well, what if? I had to move back home, and it certainly hasn’t been the end of the world.  I’ve reconnected with old friends, re-discovered the awesomeness of the Rocky Mountains, renewed my relationship with my family, re-visited old childhood wounds that needed healing, and most of all, I have had a “re-birth” of sorts. I am stronger and mentally healthier than ever (despite the migraines), because I’ve been able to get the proper rest I so desperately needed (and not by sleeping all day, although I still need my naps). I’m exploring new career opportunities because I have time and options, something I didn’t have when I was buried under anxiety and not living my truth.  I’ll admit, I’m certainly not where I thought I’d be at fifty-something.  I never imagined I’d be living in my Dad’s basement, chipping away at thousands of dollars in medical bills, only able to work on a very part time basis, millions of miles away from the rock star career I dreamed of. However, in the big scheme of things, I feel pretty damn blessed. I’m alive (which was shaky there for awhile), I have people that love me, I’m learning new skills at an age where most people are retiring, and I am so much more in the moment than I’ve ever been. So much that in yoga I was able to absorb a message that has changed my life. Most of our fears will not manifest. And, it will still be okay if they do. I know that no matter how scared or down I get, there is always a beautiful new adventure right around the corner.There are hikes to take and shows to see and books to read.  There is always a friend or family member I can reach out to. There is the love of my life that I didn’t meet until my mid-forties, after years of worrying I’d never find Mr. Right. And even if my dreams didn’t come true exactly like I hoped, I put in my "due diligence" trying to get there, and that was no waste of time.  I can finally pick up the guitar and play a few songs, and I can perform in front of people without fear. I can share my talents with my young students, hopefully making a difference in their little lives.  I can put my hard life stories into song, and hopefully I’ve touched more than one person’s heart with my words.  I am still anxious, every single day, and I still struggle and mourn my losses and have lots of regrets. But even if I let all of that manifest, at the end of the day I am not afraid of the 1%, because I gave my all, and still have some left over. I know that I will be ok, and so will you.

Peace, love, and NAMASTE,

Sunnie