Too Close To Home

Today was perhaps up there with one of the saddest days of my life. I didn't sleep well, full of anxiety and unsettled feelings about this and that, and then I woke up with a migraine (yes sadly they are back after my 3 week reprieve). The weather was gloomy and grey, conducive to staying in bed. No hiking today, which is usually the way I power through the blues. I grabbed my phone to check emails and texts, hoping there was nothing pressing I had to attend to, and then I scrolled through Facebook-a morning habit I need to break. Hoping to see some positive feedback on our Open Mic at the restaurant from last night, instead the very first thing I saw was that one of my dearest friends in Las Vegas had marked herself "safe". Safe?? Safe from what? And as I kept scrolling the horror revealed itself. Another mass shooting by another mad man. I frantically checked up on all my friends and was so relieved they were safe, but still, I cried for those who weren't. Maybe they were friends of my friends, and any loss of innocent life is excruciatingly sad. I lived in Las Vegas for 6 years in the 90s, and it is a place near and dear to my heart. The experiences I had in that crazy town, the abundance of interesting, wonderful, artistic people I met, and some of the life long friends I made, well, they are priceless. It was a short but intense period of my life that shaped me into who I am today. I don't visit often, but it is still full of special memories and people. And, I went to countless concerts in this town of entertainment and never for a second worried about my safety! I wondered, as I read more and more about what happened, is this maybe why my sleep was so restless? Sometimes I believe we feel things as they're happening even if we don't know they're happening. I remember the night my Dad was brutally attacked and robbed in his own home, I woke up several times during the night feeling like something was wrong. Sure enough the next morning I found out how close I'd come to losing him. I truly feel we can have a sixth sense about such things. Then I remembered, ironically, how I was living in Las Vegas when I heard about the Columbine shootings. 18 years ago I was working at the MGM when I was told I had a phone call from a family member. What? We weren't allowed to get phone calls! They said it was urgent, something about a relative working at Columbine. I was so confused, why is this an emergency? That's when I found out from my Dad that there had been a shooting at a high school close to the neighborhood I grew up in, in the same school district, and that my cousin's wife, who was and still is a teacher there, was thankfully safe. Again I was floored, safe? Safe from what? I hadn't even heard the news yet. That afternoon we all gathered around the TV in the bar where we were working and watched in disbelief. We were all young, none of us had ever experienced something so terrifying. I had to explain to my co-workers that this town, Littleton, is not a place where stuff like this happens. It's a lovely neighborhood, a fantastic school, a wonderful place to raise a family. It was the first time in my life something like this hit so close to home. Sadly, it wouldn't be the last. There would be the Aurora Movie Theater shooting several years later, in 2012, and another in 2013, at Arapahoe High (my Alma Mater), where a young student named Claire Davis lost her life.  Of course there have been many more since, Sandy Hook and Orlando, San Bernadino, countless others. But it is the events close to home that scare us the most. I watch the news and think, this is terrible but it's far away and doesn't affect me. Lately it seems like everything is too close to home, everything affects us. We are living in constant turmoil. I am not going to get on my high horse about gun control (as much as I'd like to), or turn this into any kind of political discussion. This is just me expressing my sadness for my friends and their friends in Las Vegas, and for all of those who have lost their lives to these horrible acts of gun violence over the years. I feel helpless. I feel hopeless. I feel like I wish my heart full of love and compassion was enough to heal these poor people. I wonder, fearfully, if and when it will hit even closer to home. All we can do is raise our voices, help in anyway we can, love unconditionally,and live life to the fullest, each and every day. Except today I couldn't get myself out of bed, because I felt myself falling back into that dark place again. So that is why I'm writing this post. It's the best thing  I can do to sort through my feelings and express my sympathy and love for all of the victims of all of the violence over the years. Like everyone, I am saddened and in shock. I am grateful that I didn't choose today to break my morning Facebook habit, so that I was able to check on my friends and stay informed. I love you Las Vegas, my long lost home, and I love you my dear Vegas friends. Especially the little girl who is now a young woman, the girl I loved like a daughter for many years. If you read this, you know who you are and you know you were the first one I thought of, you and your parents. The years go by, life changes, but love never wavers. To all of my Las Vegas friends, you are always in my heart, and I wish you nothing but comfort, peace, and healing.