A few months ago my boyfriend Don and I watched the movie "Collateral Beauty". Not knowing what to expect, I was pleasantly surprised with a well written, well acted, and very touching story. The message was subtle but clear, finding the beauty that still exists after a tragic event. Although I've never experienced the profound kind of loss Will Smith goes through in this movie, I have been dealt some pretty tough blows in this life of mine. Two years ago things got so bad that Don and I packed up, sold, or gave away all of our things, moved out of our lovely beach cottage, and headed to Colorado. This was not a choice I wanted to make, but I was at my wit's end and it would turn out to be my saving grace. I'd prefer not to get into all the pain and heartache that led us to this decision, but let's just say I was struggling with the usual suspects: money (or lack thereof), health issues (migraines), the fall out from a divorce, and, worst of all, hopelessness. I couldn't get out of bed. For 3 years I couldn't get out of bed. So, after many conversations with my parents and countless failed attempts at fixing my problems in California, the decision was made. We would move in with my Dad and I would get back on my feet. We were both hoping this was a temporary solution, and that after a year or so I'd get better and we'd come back home. Home being Southern California. Home being the beach and our friends and our music and our students and all the dreams I thought only came true in California. Funny thing, once we loaded up the car and U-Haul and hit the highway towards Denver, Don said, "I'm taking my baby home." Home being Colorado. Home being where I grew up and where my family is and where I would reconnect with old friends and where I would get much, much better. The first few months were rough, we were disoriented and sad and felt trapped in the basement at Dad's, and I still slept a lot and had headaches and cried all the time. I felt like a failure and I hated that I'd taken Don away from his friends and his life, just to live in a basement while I wept over lost dreams. Slowly though, I started taking baby steps towards a new and better life. Small things, like helping Dad get his house clean and in order, spending time with my girlfriends, family dinners, getting involved at the family restaurant, playing the piano, yoga, taking long walks with my Dad's dog, and eventually, hiking. Don and I had started hiking some in California, trips to Yosemite and treks through Laguna Canyon. We loved hiking and it was the main reason Don was willing to up and move to Colorado (good thing I wasn't from Kansas!). We googled day hikes in Colorado and started with shorter trails: Castlewood Canyon and Devil's Head and Maxwell Falls, 3 or 4 miles at the most. We discovered beautiful places I'd never seen before, crazy since I grew up in Colorado. (It's odd how we never appreciate what's in our own back yard, yet we long for the greener grass of strange places.) We fell in love with Roxborough State Park, only 30 minutes from Denver and honestly one of the most breathtaking places in the state. We explored Estes Park, Boulder, Eldorado Canyon, the Incline in Colorado Springs, Herman Gulch, and many other trails off the beaten path. One of our favorite discoveries is Golden Gate Canyon State Park. It's about 15 miles outside of Golden and is truly God's country. It doesn't matter what time of year, there is always beauty to behold. So many trails in this canyon to choose from; it took us awhile but we tackled them all. We worked our way up to 6, 7, even 8 or 9 mile hikes, and with each step up the hill I left behind the guilt, pain and weight I've been carrying all these years. (Not just figuratively, I literally lost 20 pounds in a year of hikes!) We've been hiking away for almost two years now, and what I love about these outdoor journeys is not just the magnificence of nature, but the complete revival I feel in my soul. It's not always easy, there are days when I still want to sleep, and when we do get to the trailhead I whine for a couple miles. However, once the adrenaline and exhilaration take over I am completely at peace. Sweating away the old baggage and taking steps towards some of the most beautiful views I've ever seen, now that is therapy. Don and I have built an unbreakable bond on these hikes. He has been my rock through all of my trials and tribulations, and on the trail there is an unspoken connection that I treasure with my life. He is my partner, my best friend, and we have found something here in Colorado that we both love. Not just nature, wildlife (mostly snakes), exercise and being outdoors, but something spiritual, beautiful, and uplifting. Some couples have children or church or work, we have our hikes. And the best thing is, I am better. I have hope again. I have a family that loves me, girlfriends that are like sisters, an 81 year old active Dad who I share coffee with every morning (or at least when I wake up early enough), lunches with Mom on a weekly basis (which these days are a lot more relaxed and non-judgmental), great big bear hugs from my 15 year old nephew, a Taylor Swift concert and Karaoke with my niece, laughs with my brothers, precious time with my littlest nephew Max, and proximity to Don's wonderful family in Utah. Although there are days when I long for an ocean sunset, I would not trade a minute of this Colorado experience. I still have the occasional meltdown, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, and I still beat myself up on a daily basis, but it's ok. My hope and passion and zest for life are back. My point to all of this being: if it weren't for my California breakdown I would never have re-discovered my love of Colorado, the trails, my family, friends, and most of all for Don. So my suggestion to any of you who may be struggling, find the closest hill and start climbing. I'll see you on the trail.
Peace, Love, and Namasté,
Sunnie
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