I am a Warrior, not a Worrier!

     This morning as my power yoga instructor told us to flow into warrior stance, she jokingly reminded us it is not “worrier stance”.  I’m sure a few of my yoga friends have seen the cartoon on Facebook, the woman struggling in her warrior pose with a million “worry captions” flowing from her head.  Usually that’s me in yoga, battling with my body to get into position, wanting more than anything to be strong and graceful and free of worry.  I long to shut my mind off and focus only on the powerful movement, the beauty of the practice, and the peace it brings to my soul.  Sometimes I can do this, even more so lately as my body has grown stronger. However, most days my mind wanders. Am I doing this right, do I look like a clutz, will I ever get into crow pose, will I ever have enough money, I wish I had more money so I could practice yoga everyday and then I’d for sure get into crow pose…and on and on.  Today the teacher began class with an encouraging message, as she usually does, and despite my constant efforts to keep that message in the forefront, most of the time I forget and start thinking about all my regrets and mistakes and weaknesses. Either that or I’m just focused on staying upright. I listen intently each session, and sometimes I even come home and write the message down in my journal.  It’s always something positive, of course, as all yogis are affirmative and gracious human beings. Usually it’s about breathing and letting go, being in the now, practicing gratitude and humility, letting things unfold, etc. Today she spoke about being brave and fearless, being Warriors.   I felt like she was speaking directly to me, and it made me think about my blog title- “Living Fiercely”…I am fierce!  As much as I want to vent about my migraines and my sadness and all the things going wrong in the world right now, I realized that I started this blog for a reason, and that is to help myself and others power through. I want to be inspirational and strong, and even though my journey has not been easy, I want the people who read my blog to connect with my journey and know that they too can power through anything.  I’ve had a bit of “blogger’s block” already, probably because the hardest thing for a creative person to do is to stay positive. It’s easy to dwell on the angst, the negative, the hopelessness, and the fear. I’ve always been able to write a sad song, but my “happy song repertoire” is sparce. I have many dismal tales to tell, some even written and ready to publish, but I don't want to go that route anymore.  I look at this blog page as a new challenge for me, just as I do yoga and music and relationships and any new project I take on.  I want to continue getting BETTER!  How can I get better if I wallow in my misery?  So I took many deep breaths in class this morning, put every bit of my strength into each pose, and focused intensely on my inner warrior. I fought back against the ugliness--the sad stories on the news, the mess of our current administration, the hollowness I sometimes wake up with, the “woulda-coulda-shouldas”, and something painful that a dear friend is going through. I fought back against the cyber-bully who sent me a nasty message on facebook last week, because it is one of the four agreements to not take things personally. I fought back the burning pain behind my eyes and the cement like headaches that bring me down on an almost daily basis.  I fought my way into crow pose even though I still wobbled.  I fought back the urge to compare myself to the girl next to me, with her smooth skin and perfect long legs that actually looked lovely in her yoga pants. (sorry ladies, very few of us can pull that look off).  I fought back the tears as I remembered what it felt like to be young and vital, and now the time is going so fast, in a week I will be 52.  (I swear just five minutes ago I was 32 with skin like the girl next to me).  I fought with my crazy mind who so wants to win this battle: “You messed up, you failed, your dreams will never come true, you are not good enough, you will never be happy”. What a mean, mean, mind I have!  I fought against these mean thoughts and instead fought to savor all the beauty in my life-my kind and loving family and my rockstar boyfriend, my recent re-connection with long lost friends, my upcoming birthday trip to Estes Park, and most of all,  my own inner strength.  A few years ago I would not have even gotten through a power yoga class. A few years ago I was unhealthy and on the brink of letting myself go (and not just physically).  A few years ago my journal was full of nothing but negativity. Like so many people in this world, I struggle with the depression demon, but today I fought back. I am a Warrior, I live Fiercely, and I WILL be able to hold my crow pose for 5 seconds next week!  The power is in the journey, and sometimes my journey is on the hiking trail, sometimes in the yoga studio, or sometimes just on an evening walk in the park with my Dad and his dog. Sometimes the journey is strumming a happy, funny Kasey Musgraves song on the guitar.  Sometimes it’s as simple as watching Parenthood or the Office on Netflix late at night and laughing with my Love. Mostly though, the journey is about getting up every day, even though I may be buried under a blanket of despair or fighting back a headache or arguing with a loved one or hurting over some old wound. I have somehow found the strength to get up and power through, and I hope you do too.

Peace, Love, and Namaste,

Sunnie